What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 01.07.2025 00:06
I will be 64.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Was to survive, this bastard.
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With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Would this be the day?
She was in good health!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
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All the time i was locked up.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why did i forgive my father ?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
So whats the point in blame.
Ive learnt so much.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I have no regrets .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was scared of men, in general
As i do to all so called friends.?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
This is soul school!.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
She married twice! .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It was going to be , some day.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Put me off passion for life!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We all went to grammer schools
But it wasn’t much.
I was 9 years of age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was very sick at this time too.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She found it foreign!.
But, we were locked up after school.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was seconnd youngest,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And i lived it daily.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I write beautiful poetry .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He knew the spot.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot live in the past .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She wouldn,t have been !
We were not on the streets..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I waited trembling.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Comes on , in middle age.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But ive been too sick for many years..
So, i spoilt her more .
I could never make a relationship work though!
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I think the readers, may guess!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What did i know ?
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Who then, do I blame.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I don,t even have a pension.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im still living with it.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.